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This is a dude that messaged me twice today on OkCupid.  I blacked out his stuff because I’m not interested in having people harass him or anything, I’m just using him as an example because he’s not the first guy at all to just freak out at me when they read my profile.

Notice how when he finds out I’m trans, immediately he goes after my looks to say I’m unattractive to him (when I was apparently attractive enough that he messaged me without looking at my profile earlier and sent me boilerplate) because this is really about him freaking out about being attracted to a trans woman, so now I’m “too thin”.  (Also I said I had an eating disorder in the profile, so he’s probably going after that), and then deliberately misgendering me and going “or whatever” (& he couldn’t even spell that right.) (I still believe that’s what he meant to say, but I’m striking it because it’s the least important part and too many people are getting hung up on it and ignoring the misgendering)

I didn’t approach him, I didn’t say anything to him, and I “disclosed” on my profile, and he still freaked out at me & tried to hurt me for it.  Simply reading my profile is offensive enough to these transphobic cis men.  It has nothing to do with when I disclosed, if I approach them, that I “tricked” them.  None of that matters.  Even WHEN I disclose.  Even when I put in my profile for my own comfort that I’m trans, I still get insulted and lashed out at, as if I’m doing something to them.  My point is, it’s ALL ABOUT THEM, it’s all in their heads, it’s THEIR insecurities, fears, hatred, ignorance, misogyny, etc at play here.  I didn’t do anything except exist near enough their world that they got threatened.

So yeah, I just wanted to use that as an example to show how cis men freaking out & lashing out at trans women has nothing to do with anything we did or didn’t do.  It’s them.  And if you want to prevent violence and other hatred against trans women, how about you talk to cis dudes about how they see us and treat us rather than about whether we “disclosed” or what we did to “provoke” them.  Our EXISTENCE is provocation to these assholes.  They’re the problem, not us.

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